It was over. That was my number one thought when we received the call, a year ago. The pain, the suffering it was all over.
and I could never ever see her again. Ask for her opinion on stuff. See her eyes shine over my accomplishments. Laugh with her. Tell her about my trips and show her the pictures.
Never ever again.
That body I saw laying there, lifeless, wasn’t her at all. That was the first time I understood perfectly what it meant saying that our body is just a recipient where we happen to be living in. She wasn’t in there anymore.
I remember I didn’t cry, most of the time.
Portugal was playing up against Spain for the World Cup. We lost.
I remember tears starting to come up inevitably when anyone came close to me saying they were sorry for my loss. They really didn’t know what exactly I had lost — so much more than just my aunt.
I remember I was angry. Very angry. None of that seemed fair to me. It wasn’t fair that she got sick, it wasn’t fair that she was gone, because she was supposed to be there for me for such a long time. And I know I was being selfish. She didn’t want to be there. She wanted some dignity. She did not want to suffer and she did not want to see us suffer for her. I remember begging her to eat, tears running down my cheeks, and she opened her eyes (something she rarely did by then) and ever so lightly shook her head. I stopped begging. I understood.
I stayed up all night. Along with my mom, my grandmother and my cousin (with whom I had a fight with, of course).
It was only after a couple of days that I calmed down and honestly cried.
I can’t believe it has been a whole year since she’s gone. It feels like yesterday. And I’m afraid it always will…
But I’m starting to remember more of the good things and less of the bad ones. She was an amazing human being, an amazing mother, an amazing aunt, an amazing teacher, an amazing friend. And that I will never forget.
Today when I walked through the corridors where the kids grades were hanging up, I saw my signature on the sheet that belonged to my class and I knew she would be so proud of me. Not because I’m a teacher, not because I have a job… but because I do my best at it.
I believe she is proud of me.
She will always be part of me, but I know she took a piece of me with her…I will always miss her.
And I’m not that angry anymore.
Life will always suck sooner or later, for a little or a long while, so we might as well make the most of it while we can.
I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
I believe in nothing
Not the earth and not the stars
I believe in nothing
Not the day and not the dark
I believe in nothing
But the beating of our hearts
I believe in nothing
One hundred suns until we part
I believe in nothing
Not in satan, not in god
I believe in nothing
Not in peace and not in war
I believe in nothing
But the truth of who we are
When we got the call, I was listening to this song on my ipod.
Tenho saudades tuas.
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